I woke up that morning at lord knows what time, definitely not early. May have showered, may not have. I do remember being in my usual DU sweatshirt and yoga pants, my most comfiest outfit. I walked into the kitchen, mostly likely to make tea. I wasn’t eating much during the day. I found a cereal bowl sitting on the counter, above the dishwasher. My husband. ugh. Seriously. How hard is it to put a bowl IN the dishwasher? Its right there. Open, and put inside. Just open, and put the bowl inside the dishwasher. Are you *#$@#$ kidding me? You can’t just open it and put the bowl INTO the dishwasher? You got up from the table, brought the bowl over to the sink, rinsed it out, and then sat in on the counter. BUT putting the bowl into the dishwasher was FAR too much to ask? UGH! Let’s do 90% of the work…and leave the rest for me. AWESOME!
At this point I am completely hysterical about a lonely bowl occupying space on the counter. I find my phone, dial my husband, and he answers…Not only was I yelling, I was SCREAMING and crying. “SERIOUSLY!? You couldn’t just open the dishwasher and put your cereal bowl inside?” “Huh?” “Put the BOWL in the DISHWASHER!! Too hard??!” “Babe, I was running late. Just leave it. I’ll do it when I get home.” “NO! I don’t want shit laying all over the house. Why couldn’t you just put it in the dishwasher!?” “I don’t know, honey. I am sorry. I am at work, I really cannot talk right now.” “WHATEVER!” “Why don’t you take something and take a nap. We’ll talk about it when I get home.” CLICK. I cut him off. “GAH!”
I bawled myself into our bedroom where next to the bed was a basket full of pills. I knew the contents all too well. I could dig through the myriad of pills half asleep to find which pain pill, muscle relaxer, hormone, mood stabilizer or whatever else I wanted, roll over, and fall back to sleep. Completely automatic. I knew the size, shape and texture of each pill. And now, here I was. Sitting on the edge of my bed starring at a basket full of orange pill bottles. I’d pick one up, hold it. Consider it. And toss it on the floor. I went through the whole basket, never taking anything. Nothing in there was going to solve my problem. I felt empty and alone. A pile of empty medical promises, of “take this, it will help you feel better” laid in front of me, and all I truly felt was incredibly empty. I no longer knew if “I” felt tired, or if a medication made me tired, or if “I” felt fat and bloated, or if it was just another side effect. Nothing in those orange pill bottles was going to REALLY take my pain away, or stop the CRAZY that I had become.
That was the last day I ever considered taking a pain pill or muscle relaxer. And over the coming weeks my acupuncturist helped me ease off the mood stabilizers and hormones as well.
4 years ago. It’s hard to go back to that place. To understand just how crazy my brain had become. I literally thought my day was ruined because of a singular bowl sitting on my kitchen counter. And I thought unloading on my husband while he was at work was going to… help? It’s hard to understand that I thought all the medicines were helping me, that I was healthier because of all the pills. The side effects had completely taken over, so much so that I was taking more pills to deal with side effects… WHAT? I had lost control of my own body. I had disconnected from my own body. I didn’t know how “I” felt.
I really had to hit rock bottom to choose my path to wellness. Sitting on the side of my bed that day, starring at a pile of pills, crying uncontrollably, I admitted to myself that I had been taking this shit for well over a decade “trying” to get better, I was no better off then I was at age 14. So I quit. I knew I was going to feel pain. But I was feeling pain even with all the medicines.
I finally chose to stand up for myself. I chose to do what is right for me and my body. It hasn’t been an easy path, but its been the right path for me…and it feel really good!